I have been remiss in not posting much at all, especially about non-fandom life, which is kind of... important to make friends, I guess?
Work is overall pretty good, although we are still firmly in the business of capitalist rent-extraction and general cognitive drain on humanity (in other words, advertising). We're a tiny company so things can change really fast. I am still amused by my own Avengers-based online nicknames for coworkers (Steve, Clint, Loki, Thor, Hammer, unnamed new guy who may be Natasha, and Bruce who was great but left). There was a short period where I felt, for the first time in my career, like I was getting sexist comments from a couple of my coworkers. Mainly Loki, that attractive asshole. I learned some things: work!Clint cemented his awesomeness when he noticed before I said anything, asked me if there was anything he could do, and called me on the phone and talked for almost an hour about it after I posted a snarky Facebook status. Work!Steve even backed me up when he heard and said that although he hadn't noticed anything, he believed me that it was going on. I ended up deciding to mention it to Thor, my direct boss, in our biweekly check-in meeting, and he said he'd talk to the people involved without making it just about me. And nothing's gone down since then! Goes to show that the brogrammer crew of Thor and Loki can be reasonable people sometimes.
Unfortunately I still work with a bunch of white, native English speaking dudes (except for maybe-Natasha who is Japanese-French), and that's kind of a bummer. I realize more and more every day how much our perspectives in life shape what we choose to build into our software.
![]()
bottledminx still does not live here. It is still sad. We had a fun visit in May but that was so loooong ago. Also spent a bunch of time hanging out with ![]()
kain_was_here in the spring and had a fun trip to Stumptown Comics Fest in Portland but she has deserted me for France this summer.
Fuck you, France ;___;
Sorry France, I love you, really, but I wish you'd work out some kind of time share program with me so that I could have![[personal profile]]()
anatsuno once in a while.
I do like living with people but I'm getting closer to being done with current living situation. Five people in this house is too many, and the conflicts between Mr. Marine and my sister are getting on my nerves. She likes to have people over, and she and her metalhead boyfriend have only one volume setting which is 11, and Marine has to get up in the mornings sometimes even on weekends. They both just resent each other and blame each other for being hard to live with. I am done living with people who only do it because they can't afford to live alone, which describes 3.5/4 of my housemates.
Thinking about buying a house. Maybe a duplex, or an illegal duplex. So I'd only fully live with one other person, our mostly-absent fifth housemate who's my ex-BF and I consider a part of my family. I think I could deal with his ridiculousness if he had enough space to contain his personal mess to a bedroom. We've talked about buying together but he's just not that into it -- he thinks he should be, but he would be zero percent interested in house shopping with me and when I sent him a message asking him to lunch with the idea of talking about it, he replied by telling me that he was at the dealership ordering an expensive new motorcycle. He has zero savings and makes a lot of money but also spends it all.
I've never lived alone. I was 20 years old the first time I had my own bedroom. Since having my own bedroom, I've never had fewer than two housemates. I've lived with at least 15 different people in my adult life. I hope I'm getting better at telling what's going to work and what's not.
Summer weather has been beautiful this year -- once it started, in July as usual. I've gotten to ride my bike more, and I've made it a couple times to the secret nude beach. Went on a 41-mile ride with work!Clint yesterday and I survived! It was even... not painful. Partly because we took some long breaks, maybe partly because we were both enjoying being out there and not allowing each other to say anything sucked or was bad because we should be present in the moment. Yeah, there was a lot of deep life-philosophy discussion going on. It seems to be kind of what we do. I'm not out about most things at work, but over the last couple weeks I've successfully revealed fic stuff and BDSM and poly to him. Not yet the whole I'm-bi-and-have-a-girlfriend-but-she-is-FAR-away part. We *get* each other in a way I've been enjoying. There's a lot of soul-searching for me involved because I'm questioning what I find myself drawn to in people (people who are men) and whether I'm re-enacting old patterns or have gotten through to a new place. I don't ever read about it in fic, but in other romantic media I am so, so conditioned to the young woman/older man who is full of manpain thing. Like, believe it or not, I walked out of Inception the first time kinda feeling the COOB/Ariadne. I can't stand it now, after being steeped in the fandom, but it was there.
At the moment I've convinced myself it's okay. Even if I'm going towards the same kind of people, I bring different things to it than I did when I was nineteen. I don't carry anything unusually heavy, but I have more life experience as an adult. I don't feel so young any more. I've had time to develop more issues, which is only fair. So I'm letting myself see where this takes me, and giving myself permission to go for something more if it seems like a good idea. Giving myself permission to say yes.
My last two (parallel) relationships with men were all about me going along, "okay, whatever." Never wanting to give anything of myself (men can be so damn needy, you know?). I have an easier time being open to women, perhaps because it feels less vulnerable, because I don't have the cultural baggage that I'm supposed to be the supportive one. And I value that, but it's probably a direction of personal growth to be able to get there with men, too.
It helps to sit in the grass in the sun and tell each other the stories of when we used to hate ourselves, secretly, putting up our facades when everything inside was falling apart. Confronting the moment when the person you thought you were valuable for being was a lie.
See what I mean about thinking that we're so deep?
Me and my issues deserve their own post.
</user></div>
This entry was originally posted at http://krytella.dreamwidth.org/25363.html. Comment wherever.
Work is overall pretty good, although we are still firmly in the business of capitalist rent-extraction and general cognitive drain on humanity (in other words, advertising). We're a tiny company so things can change really fast. I am still amused by my own Avengers-based online nicknames for coworkers (Steve, Clint, Loki, Thor, Hammer, unnamed new guy who may be Natasha, and Bruce who was great but left). There was a short period where I felt, for the first time in my career, like I was getting sexist comments from a couple of my coworkers. Mainly Loki, that attractive asshole. I learned some things: work!Clint cemented his awesomeness when he noticed before I said anything, asked me if there was anything he could do, and called me on the phone and talked for almost an hour about it after I posted a snarky Facebook status. Work!Steve even backed me up when he heard and said that although he hadn't noticed anything, he believed me that it was going on. I ended up deciding to mention it to Thor, my direct boss, in our biweekly check-in meeting, and he said he'd talk to the people involved without making it just about me. And nothing's gone down since then! Goes to show that the brogrammer crew of Thor and Loki can be reasonable people sometimes.
Unfortunately I still work with a bunch of white, native English speaking dudes (except for maybe-Natasha who is Japanese-French), and that's kind of a bummer. I realize more and more every day how much our perspectives in life shape what we choose to build into our software.
bottledminx still does not live here. It is still sad. We had a fun visit in May but that was so loooong ago. Also spent a bunch of time hanging out with kain_was_here in the spring and had a fun trip to Stumptown Comics Fest in Portland but she has deserted me for France this summer.Fuck you, France ;___;
Sorry France, I love you, really, but I wish you'd work out some kind of time share program with me so that I could have
I do like living with people but I'm getting closer to being done with current living situation. Five people in this house is too many, and the conflicts between Mr. Marine and my sister are getting on my nerves. She likes to have people over, and she and her metalhead boyfriend have only one volume setting which is 11, and Marine has to get up in the mornings sometimes even on weekends. They both just resent each other and blame each other for being hard to live with. I am done living with people who only do it because they can't afford to live alone, which describes 3.5/4 of my housemates.
Thinking about buying a house. Maybe a duplex, or an illegal duplex. So I'd only fully live with one other person, our mostly-absent fifth housemate who's my ex-BF and I consider a part of my family. I think I could deal with his ridiculousness if he had enough space to contain his personal mess to a bedroom. We've talked about buying together but he's just not that into it -- he thinks he should be, but he would be zero percent interested in house shopping with me and when I sent him a message asking him to lunch with the idea of talking about it, he replied by telling me that he was at the dealership ordering an expensive new motorcycle. He has zero savings and makes a lot of money but also spends it all.
I've never lived alone. I was 20 years old the first time I had my own bedroom. Since having my own bedroom, I've never had fewer than two housemates. I've lived with at least 15 different people in my adult life. I hope I'm getting better at telling what's going to work and what's not.
Summer weather has been beautiful this year -- once it started, in July as usual. I've gotten to ride my bike more, and I've made it a couple times to the secret nude beach. Went on a 41-mile ride with work!Clint yesterday and I survived! It was even... not painful. Partly because we took some long breaks, maybe partly because we were both enjoying being out there and not allowing each other to say anything sucked or was bad because we should be present in the moment. Yeah, there was a lot of deep life-philosophy discussion going on. It seems to be kind of what we do. I'm not out about most things at work, but over the last couple weeks I've successfully revealed fic stuff and BDSM and poly to him. Not yet the whole I'm-bi-and-have-a-girlfriend-but-she-is-FAR-away part. We *get* each other in a way I've been enjoying. There's a lot of soul-searching for me involved because I'm questioning what I find myself drawn to in people (people who are men) and whether I'm re-enacting old patterns or have gotten through to a new place. I don't ever read about it in fic, but in other romantic media I am so, so conditioned to the young woman/older man who is full of manpain thing. Like, believe it or not, I walked out of Inception the first time kinda feeling the COOB/Ariadne. I can't stand it now, after being steeped in the fandom, but it was there.
At the moment I've convinced myself it's okay. Even if I'm going towards the same kind of people, I bring different things to it than I did when I was nineteen. I don't carry anything unusually heavy, but I have more life experience as an adult. I don't feel so young any more. I've had time to develop more issues, which is only fair. So I'm letting myself see where this takes me, and giving myself permission to go for something more if it seems like a good idea. Giving myself permission to say yes.
My last two (parallel) relationships with men were all about me going along, "okay, whatever." Never wanting to give anything of myself (men can be so damn needy, you know?). I have an easier time being open to women, perhaps because it feels less vulnerable, because I don't have the cultural baggage that I'm supposed to be the supportive one. And I value that, but it's probably a direction of personal growth to be able to get there with men, too.
It helps to sit in the grass in the sun and tell each other the stories of when we used to hate ourselves, secretly, putting up our facades when everything inside was falling apart. Confronting the moment when the person you thought you were valuable for being was a lie.
See what I mean about thinking that we're so deep?
Me and my issues deserve their own post.
</user></div>
This entry was originally posted at http://krytella.dreamwidth.org/25363.html. Comment wherever.
