Wrote this to amuse myself before I had proper Internet back. Slightly expanded from the original with more wild suppositions because it was too correct and therefore not as funny as it could have been.
Scott is the main character, who hardly anyone cares about and fandom used to call a "potato" until someone pointed out it's an obscure slur used against people with Down's Syndrome. He's somehow turned into a werewolf at the beginning of the series, which makes him better at Lacrosse (an inexplicably popular and important game in their fictional California town). Scott gets with...
Allison, whose family, the super subtly named Argents, are werewolf hunters. But she inexplicably doesn't know about that despite being trained to hunt monsters using a bow since childhood. I think she doesn't know Scott's a werewolf. Her dad is a jerk and a monster-hunting zealot.
Stiles is Scott's best friend and is apparently 100x more interesting because 100x more slashy. Or maybe because he doesn't have a real first name. As we all know, this leads to slashyness (see: Eames). He knows about the werewolf thing and drives them around in his car and has ADHD. His dad is the sheriff, and his mom died when he was young. Oh, and dad is possibly an alcoholic but not abusive because this is not SPN fandom. Stiles is also an adorable magic pixie omega even though not an actual werewolf. And he's maybe into some chick named Lydia. And he's not canonically queer but we're all hoping because he once told someone he could be gay and Sterek.
Danny is their friend who is canonically gay and not a werewolf but not as hot as Dylan wassisname so he doesn't get much slash written about him. I think he plays lacrosse. Still don’t know WTF is up with lacrosse.
Jackson is some guy played by a very hot actor who maybe left the show? He's Danny's best friend but due to lack of werewolves or whiteness or glowering or something they aren't nearly as popular a ship. And there's something with him and lizards. Is he a were-lizard? And he is the captain of the lacrosse team.
Derek is Mr. Werewolf Romance Novel Hero. He lives in a burned ruin in the woods with his epic abs. It's burned because some older woman (Kate? I think? Or am I confusing this with White Collar?) seduced him as a teenager and broke his bb heart and burned his wolf family. Derek glowers and is grumpy and does not smile. Because he's sad. A sadness that can only be cured with some hot young magic pixie ass. He wears tight jeans and taking his shirt off is pretty much in his contract, though thanks to TV Magic (™) his hairy werewolfness does not extend to not having his chest waxed. He sneaks in through Stiles' window and also shoves Stiles against walls a lot. And he has an older relative named Peter who they thought was dead and may be a horrible person and/or zombie werewolf or something?
At some point because Derek is a lonely puppy he turns three others into werewolves so he can have betas: Erica, Isaac, and Boyd. Erica wears skimpy clothes and is blonde. I think Boyd is black. I think maybe Erica and Boyd have a thing, or are a side ship? I don't know a thing about Isaac. No one loves betas because they don't have knotting dog cocks or self-lubricating asses of biologically deterministic and joyful semen reception.
I've had some of this confirmed already but feel free to tell me what I got right.
This entry was originally posted at http://krytella.dreamwidth.org/23779.html. Comment wherever.
Scott is the main character, who hardly anyone cares about and fandom used to call a "potato" until someone pointed out it's an obscure slur used against people with Down's Syndrome. He's somehow turned into a werewolf at the beginning of the series, which makes him better at Lacrosse (an inexplicably popular and important game in their fictional California town). Scott gets with...
Allison, whose family, the super subtly named Argents, are werewolf hunters. But she inexplicably doesn't know about that despite being trained to hunt monsters using a bow since childhood. I think she doesn't know Scott's a werewolf. Her dad is a jerk and a monster-hunting zealot.
Stiles is Scott's best friend and is apparently 100x more interesting because 100x more slashy. Or maybe because he doesn't have a real first name. As we all know, this leads to slashyness (see: Eames). He knows about the werewolf thing and drives them around in his car and has ADHD. His dad is the sheriff, and his mom died when he was young. Oh, and dad is possibly an alcoholic but not abusive because this is not SPN fandom. Stiles is also an adorable magic pixie omega even though not an actual werewolf. And he's maybe into some chick named Lydia. And he's not canonically queer but we're all hoping because he once told someone he could be gay and Sterek.
Danny is their friend who is canonically gay and not a werewolf but not as hot as Dylan wassisname so he doesn't get much slash written about him. I think he plays lacrosse. Still don’t know WTF is up with lacrosse.
Jackson is some guy played by a very hot actor who maybe left the show? He's Danny's best friend but due to lack of werewolves or whiteness or glowering or something they aren't nearly as popular a ship. And there's something with him and lizards. Is he a were-lizard? And he is the captain of the lacrosse team.
Derek is Mr. Werewolf Romance Novel Hero. He lives in a burned ruin in the woods with his epic abs. It's burned because some older woman (Kate? I think? Or am I confusing this with White Collar?) seduced him as a teenager and broke his bb heart and burned his wolf family. Derek glowers and is grumpy and does not smile. Because he's sad. A sadness that can only be cured with some hot young magic pixie ass. He wears tight jeans and taking his shirt off is pretty much in his contract, though thanks to TV Magic (™) his hairy werewolfness does not extend to not having his chest waxed. He sneaks in through Stiles' window and also shoves Stiles against walls a lot. And he has an older relative named Peter who they thought was dead and may be a horrible person and/or zombie werewolf or something?
At some point because Derek is a lonely puppy he turns three others into werewolves so he can have betas: Erica, Isaac, and Boyd. Erica wears skimpy clothes and is blonde. I think Boyd is black. I think maybe Erica and Boyd have a thing, or are a side ship? I don't know a thing about Isaac. No one loves betas because they don't have knotting dog cocks or self-lubricating asses of biologically deterministic and joyful semen reception.
I've had some of this confirmed already but feel free to tell me what I got right.
This entry was originally posted at http://krytella.dreamwidth.org/23779.html. Comment wherever.
